A Different Kind of Happy
by SecretsAndLiesContest
Summary: Happiness is measured by the things you can't live without, but what if your biggest happiness slowly turns into your misery? How many more fake smiles do you wear until you can't handle it anymore?


**Subject/Email Header** : Secrets and Lies Contest Entry

 **Title:** A Different Kind of Happy

 **Summary** : Happiness is measured by the things you can't live without, but what if your biggest happiness slowly turns into your misery? How many more fake smiles do you wear until you can't handle it anymore?

 **Pairing:** Bella/Edward

 **Rating:** M

 **Word Count** : 11,055

 **Disclaimer:** **The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.**

The night is cast in monochrome hues as I stroll along the city streets. The bustling nightlife can't provide a better distraction to my dispirited thoughts. I haven't been myself for quite some time now. My calm and collected persona has been slowly stripping down, replaced with a frenzy of emotions I'm not used to. There are three things I'm terrified of, and one of them is not having control. When I'm not in control of my destiny, I don't know what sort of unknown predicaments could happen to me.

A poster taped on the window of a seedy bar halts my footsteps. My hands ball into fists in the inside of my jacket's pockets, a curveball of sadness hitting my chest. The longer I stare at the poster, the more I want to tear down the poster, crumple it up, and hurl it to the road so a random vehicle could drive over it.

The last 11 months should've been enough time for me to forget. No matter where I go, traces of him string along. His name haunts me on every radio station and record store around the city. What was once beautiful music that brought me joy is now an unhealthy, addictive reminder of a boy who no longer acknowledges my existence.

 _Cricket chirps and the occassional passing car is the only noise I hear as I walk through the park sometime after midnight. Studying for finals strained my brain to a point where I craved for some sort of escape before I go to sleep. The park is only a couple of blocks away from my neighborhood and the fence is easy to clamber over. Besides, this isn't the first time I've snuck away from home late at night._

 _Acoustic notes accompany a light breeze as soon as I step foot into the park. I'm a little astonished there's someone here at this late hour. It could be a homeless person, but based by the melodious sounds, I have a hunch it isn't. There's a casual vibe to it that seems as if he or she sought for an escape from reality just like I did._

 _Searching for the music's source, I come across a boy sitting on a bench, a guitar situated on his lap. Streetlights illuminate his disheveled hair that resembles the shade of copper. His eyes are closed and his fingers play a rhythm I could repetitively listen to. I slowly walk to him, not wanting to disrupt his performance. I wixh I could hear his voice – I bet his voice would sound just as lovely as his strumming._

 _He ceases playing before I consider sitting next to him. When his eyelids open, forest green irises gawk at me. I gulp, momentarily wondering if I interrupted him._

" _You don't have to keep standing there."_

" _I... Sorry, if you want to be alone, I can go..."_

" _No." The sudden sharpness of his voice causes me to wince. Noticing my nervous movement, he speaks to me again in a softer tone. "It's nice to have a little company."_

" _Are you sure?"_

 _He nods, scooting sideways to give me space to sit down. I leave a couple inches of space between us, still wary of this stranger. Though he looks to be around my age, I should be on my guard just in case._

" _I liked what you were playing."_

" _Thanks. I composed it myself."_

" _Cool! Did you write any lyrics too?"_

" _A little. It's a little rough so far."_

" _Can I hear what you wrote so far?"_

" _Bold, aren't you?"_

" _Not really." If I were bold, I would've insisted on joining him rather than fleeing. "I'm your average run-of-the-mill introvert."_

 _A hint of a smile becomes visible on his face. "So fellow introvert, what kind of lyrics would you think this song is about?"_

 _I lean further back on the bench, contemplating what to say to him. I'm not a complete expert on music, so I can't present the criticism he needs to assist with his songwriting. The least I can do is use my above-average expertise of every emotional alternative rock song I've listened to._

" _It sounds... delicate, like when you're pretending to be strong to cover up your weaknesses. I think of a person... let's say a he... seems to know what he's doing with his life, but actually is covering up his flaws because he has a fear of the unknown. His family, friends, classmates, none of them have any idea of what he's going through. He's pretends to be content with what he has so no one has to worry about what he thinks are selfish needs."_

" _Wow, that's very specific."_

" _Is it close to what you wanted to hear?"_

" _Sorta. I just wanted it to be another love song."_

" _Did you... I don't know... have a fight with your girlfriend or something?"_

" _Oh, I don't have a girlfriend. I'm a single pringle."_

 _I giggle. "Add one more single pringle to this party."_

" _Yeah? Does this other single pringle have a name?"_

" _It's Bella."_

" _Hi Bella, I'm Edward."_

 _He extends his hand toward me, and I shake it without hesitation. Talking to him penetrates all my social defenses. My reservation doesn't prompt him to stray away from me. If only I had more friends like him. With my best friend, Angela, attending university, it's boring to be lonesome most of the time at the school._

" _Have you ever been in love?" I ask once he releases my hand. If he's writing a love song, surely he has a crush on a celebrity or someone he personally knows._

" _Nah. I'd say 'love is for the weak,' but if that were true, I wouldn't have been born."_

" _That would be a tragedy."_

" _My music is a tragedy."_

 _I scoff, unwilling to belief the snippet of music I heard wasn't amazing. "Whoever says that deserves to be sacrificed to Satan."_

" _What was that about not being bold?"_

" _I'm just stating facts."_

" _Well, how about this for a fact? What you said about a fear of the unknown... were you talking from experience?"_

 _Warmth rises to my cheeks. He caught on pretty quick._

" _I'm assuming that's a yes."_

" _Is it wrong to be scared of having no charge of your future?"_

" _I guess not."_

" _What's your biggest fear?"_

 _He lifts his guitar from his lap and places it on the ground. "Not being able to play music."_

" _You want to be a famous musician?"_

" _It's been my dream for ages." He stares off into the empty field, a thoughtful expression creasing his features. "I want to make a difference in the music industry. I want to write songs that isn't all about drugs, sex... that generic shit. I want to show people that not-so-crappy modern music still exists."_

" _Then don't lose sight of that dream." If only there are more people passionate about the things they love. Perhaps there'd be less miserable people in the world._

" _I won't." He tentatively brushes his elbow against mine. "I don't intend to ruin the things that make me happy."_

"Gonna go see Midnight Sun?" A middle-aged man questions, squinting at the poster. I pause the music on my phone, then remove one of my earbuds. "I swear to god, I don't understand what's got moisr panties dropping for them."

I laugh, relieved I'm not the only one who isn't overly ecstatic about the band. "Good looks are overrated anyway."

He grunts. "What do those millenials call them...? Fuckboys, right? I bet that's what they are behind all that glam."

I'm about to retaliate against his assumption, but I hold back and answer with a curt nod. "That's the world of rock 'n roll."

"Touche. Well, have a good night, young lady."

"You too, sir."

I turn around and bolt to the nearest alley. I repetitively punch the brick wall with my bare knuckles until it turns red.

How can I forget the person who defnes my biggest happiness?

~:~

It's difficult to dissociate myself from social media over the next several days. No matter which site I went on, there'd be posts dedicated to Midnight Sun's hometown concert. I felt as if I'd go nuts if I came across one more post related to an event that I voluntarily chose not to go to.

It's a blessing to be in college where the gossip about Midnight Sun is toned down compared to high school. If this happened when I was still a junior or senior, I'd lock myself in my room until the concert was over. I don't think I'd be able to handle the desperate fangirls; I already have one fangirling best friend.

The lull of the second floor university library barely helps to decrease the likelihood of remembering the image of Midnight Sun's promotional poster for their concert. I wish I could burn the image away from my mind. While the majority of the city's population is excited for their arrival, I'm dreading the prospect of being dragged into going to the concert. I told Angela not to buy me a ticket, but knowing how much she doesn't want to leave me out of the loop, there's no telling what she'd do. Who knows what she could be plotting in that clever head of hers?

I close my textbook and press my face against the cool surface of the table. This is frustrating. I can't even study properly without my brain drifting to thoughts about the concert. At this rate, I'm going to fail my chemistry exam in a couple of hours.

Fuck Midnight Sun. Fuck the pretty boys who got lucky to be noticed. Fuck the lead singer who could seduce everyone with his voice as much as he can trample hearts with a single sentence.

 _Showing up at the parking lot of Edward's school is a hasty decision I didn't plan out well. As surreal as it is to possibly seeing him again, the unfamiliar atmosphere is a contrast to my predictive world. It'd be embarrassing if I can't track him down today and I came here all this way for nothing._

 _I have his phone number. I can text him to inform him I'm at his school. Instead, I chose the silly route of merely waiting for him to walk out the school gates so I could surprise him. What if someone is picking him up and he doesn't see me? What if he's not alone when I see him? I don't know if he's ready to introduce me to his friends yet._

 _I manage to distinguish his profile amidst the throng of students. Fortunately, he's by himself, a pair of headphones resting on his head. Swallowing down the restless emotions stirring in my stomach, I skitter away from my hiding place and make my way toward him._

 _Despite what's playing through his headphones, he stops walking once he notices me. There's an awed expression on his face, and I can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing._

" _Bella." He removes his headphones. "What brings you here?"_

" _Is it a bad time?"_

" _Yes and no."_

" _What's the yes?"_

" _We have some time to talk."_

" _What's the no?"_

" _I have band practice at my house."_

" _That's today?" One of the things I learned the night of our first encounter was that Edward is in a band with a few of his friends. The four of them do a few gigs at small open mic nights and pep rallies at his school. Not surprisingly, he's a high school senior and only one year older than me._

" _Uh-huh. If you want, you can come see us practice."_

" _Will your friends mind? I don't want to intrude."_

 _He pouts. "Is that a no?"_

" _It's a yes if you're ready."_

" _I'm ready." He grins. "If my friends aren't, there's an ice cream place nearby you'll die for."_

 _Ice cream or Edward's friends. As tempting as ice cream is, I have faith his friends aren't as horrible as my subconscious apprehensively thinks they are._

 _We talk about our day as we head to his car. Instead of turning on the radio, he inserts a CD into the CD player. When the acoustic version of James Dean and Audrey Hepburn by Sleeping with Sirens starts to play, I narrowly hold back from eliciting a thrilled scream._

" _Mixed CD?" I choke out._

" _One of my hobbies. If there's one thing I'd go to jail for, it's pirating."_

" _I won't tell anyone. I do the same, minus the CD part."_

" _Which version do you prefer?"_

" _This one. It's my favorite SWS song and Kellin Quinn's voice always stands out when he does acoustic covers of the band's music."_

 _He turns iip the volume, and we're practically belting out the lyrics on our way to his house. How astounding is it to find someone who appreciates this genre of music, much less sing along with the music? Angela is the only other person who'd do this with me. In both scenarios, I'm being my carefree, wildish self, a side of me that rarely surfaces._

 _The exhilaration remains fresh once he pulls up to the driveway of his home. There are two other cars parked along the streets near the driveway, and he points out that the two cars belong to his friends. As we exit the car, I'm mildly surprised of the absence of my earlier nerves. Maybe it was the car karoake session or Edward's reassurance, but I'm much more relaxed than I was prior to leavng his school._

 _Vehement yelling resonates from somewhere inside as soon as Edward unlocks the front door. He lets out an exasperated breath, then trudges past the living room. He gestures for me to follow him. The yelling gets louder when he opens the door to another room, which I assume is the basement._

" _Fucking hell, not again," he grumbles. He glances back at me apologetically. "Stay here. I'll go shut them up."_

" _Don't mind me. I can come with you."_

" _Bella, it's embarrassing. I don't want you seeing my friends argue as your first impression of them."_

" _I see Angela arguing with her brother all the time. This is normal."_

 _His shoulders slump. "Don't blame me if they throw something at you."_

 _Throw something? How bad do these fights get?_

 _We descend down the stairs, where two boys with dark-colored hair are glaring at each other. The palpable tension between them could be sliced with a sharp object. A blond-haired boy looks between the two of them, concern in his crisp light blue eyes._

" _Take it back, motherfucker." The curly-haired boy taps harshly on the chest of the tanned-skinned boy._

" _Why would I take back something that's true?"_

" _Guys..." Blond boy darts his eyes to me and Edward. "I think we should take this outside."_

" _Why? We can settle this right here." Curly Hair lunges for Tan Skin's throat, and if it isn't for Edward's palm slapped over my mouth, I would've screamed too._

" _Why can't you consider that we might need a new lead songer? C'mon Em, this band's not going anywhere if our sound stays the same. We need to_ evolve _like Brendon Urie. If we don't, what label's ever gonna want us?"_

" _Are you listening to yourself? Ed's the root of Breaking Dawn. If we lose him, the band's dead."_

" _Ever heard of rebranding? Ed will do fine on his own. He can be an Ed Sheeran."_

"Ed Sheeran _? Are you calling his voice an Ed Sheeran? Jake, there's no one that can replace Edward. He's got a mad range and if we can just be honest with him, then maybe he could change for us. We shouldn't resort to kicking him out._ "

" _We can't keep things vanilla if we want this band to go somewhere. Jas is great with vocals too. We can shape him up to be a replacement."_

" _You're right," Edward mumbles. Everyone, including me, stare at Edward. The confirmation of his presence instantly diminishes the tension._

" _Edward." Emmett's hands loosens its grip on Jacob's throat. "How long were you standing there?"_

" _Long enough." Edward draws his hand away from my mouth. "This is Bella. Bella, the two buffoons fighting are Emmett and Jacob. The one who's not giving me a headach is Jasper. Now if you'll excuse me, we're going."_

" _Wait!" Jas moves around Em and Jake and to where Edward and I are. "Sorry you had to see this, Bella. Edward, don't freak out. We can still talk about this."_

" _What is there to talk about?" Edward says in gloom. "Our band's better off without me. If you think me being here isn't going to improve anything, then bump Jas up to lead vocals."_

" _What about the song you were working on?" I blurt out. I don't know much about the band's history, but there has to be something I can do to prevent this argument from getting worse._

" _You're writing a song?" Jake asks curiously. "Didn't pique you for a songwriter."_

" _It's an ongoing development."_

" _Why didn't you say so?"_

" _Secret project." Edward looks at me sheepishly. "Actually, the reason why I met Bella in the first place is because I overheard you guys talking about how you wanted to find better songs for us to cover. I got into this sort of slump, so I started writing my own music on my own to prove why we_ are _Breaking Dawn."_

 _That's why Edward was at the park that night. Perhaps the park served as a muse for him or he needed a quiet place to write his song, even if streetlights was his only source of lighting._

" _Is it any good?" Em inquires._

" _I don't know."_

" _It's good." I blush as three pairs of eyes focus on me. "The music part at least. I don't know about the lyrics."_

" _It'll be good," Edward declares._

 _Jake merely shrugs. I have a feeling he'll be the most difficult person to befriend out of the trio. "Whatever. That song better be good or else all our efforts for BD will be for nothing."_

Anger didn't always dominate my heart. I was certain he wouldn't deliberately sabotage what we have. I trusted him to make the right decisions. I bit my tongue and supported him silently in the sidelines. I tried not to give in to jealousy whenever I read imagines involving the band members. Why do I still have to suffer on the receiving end?

These aren't the changes I wished for us. I don't want to be his tainted secret. I didn't pin my heart for a man who would change his mind faster than I could buy t-shirts from Hot Topic. The repercussions from what now feels like a lifetime ago affects me more than it does him.

Gone is my sunflower boy.

He was replaced with an untouchable rose.

~:~

Two days before the concert, Mom is still persuading me to go to the concert. While Mom and I are eating dinner, she casually brought up how the daughter of one of her coworkers is going to a concert on Saturday. Despite my persistence of being uninterested, she isn't convinced I'm not a part of the hype.

"You should go, sweetie. Wouldn't you regret not going?"

"It's not a big deal. They're just another band everyone will forget once the weekend's over."

"Are you sure?"

I scarf down a spoonful of lasagna before responding. "Absolutely, positively sure. I can always watch clips of it on YouTube."

Her eyes narrow, scrutinizing me in a way that makes me feel like when Mom was reading my first middle school report card. Mom doesn't give away what's on her mind easily, so it's always a challenge for me to decipher her current thoughts.

"Would you do it for Edward?"

The fork shakes in my hand. If Edward was here, Mom and I wouldn't have this conversation. He'd be having dinner with us and staying over for the night. He'd have his songbook spread out on the floor and his trusty guitar working on his next song.

"Maybe... I don't know."

"Weren't you two very close? What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"He hasn't stepped foot in this house for almost a year. I should mind my own business, but every time I bring up his name, you change the subject."

I sigh. Mom won't pestering me about the current status of our relationship. I don't want her to have a poor perspective of him, but at the same time, it's awful to live with this weight on my chest. If I'm not careful, I could wind up having a bigger load to carry.

 _We're hanging out underneath the tree at Edward's backyard, our backpacks and his guitar case strewn on the ground away from direct sunlight. My head is on his lap, his fingers stroking through my long hair in an affectionate way. Although we're not in a relationship, there are times when we behave like a couple. We've gotten close that those actions are comfortable rather than awkward. Gestures such as cheek kisses, lingering hugs, and the occassional hand-holding doesn't bother me._

 _That doesn't mean I don't love him. He may be graduating in a few months, but he's the first boy I met who I didn't have a hard time opening up to. I'm rarely this outgoing around other people. Even his friends didn't have to do too much to win me over; I think of them as the brother figures I never had, regardless of Jacob's asshole tendencies._

 _I'm dying to tell him how I feel. His parents adore me and my mom is making bets with Angela on when the two of us will get together. It would be so easy for us to become more than friends. However, I know music is his priority and I don't want to let romance be a hindrance to him. When the time is right, I'll make my confession. Until then, I'm happy with what we have now._

" _Have you decided on the band's new name yet?" It was the boys' mutual decision on the name change. Despite getting used to hearing_ Breaking Dawn _, Edward wanted the name change to reflect the rest of their small modifications. As a bonus, because I've provided bits of input for the changes such as songs to cover and clothes to wear during performances, they agreed to let me have the final say of the band's new name._

 _He shakes his head. "We have a few ideas, but none of them are good enough."_

" _It can't be that bad."_

" _Emmett wanted to call us Blue Orange."_

 _I laugh. Blue Orange definitely sounds like a name Emmett would come up with. "Where did that come from?"_

" _He saw one of those band generator posts on Tumblr. Your band name is the color of the shirt you're wearing and the last food you ate."_

" _I mean... it's a good name, but definitely doesn't sound like you." If I had to pick between Breaking Dawn and Blue Orange, I'd still go with Breaking Dawn._

" _Jasper suggested Mystic Twilight."_

" _Did he want to stick with the time-of-day vibe?"_

 _He nods. "It's whatever."_

" _What about Jake?"_

" _He didn't have any."_

" _Makes sense." Jacob could play a mean drum solo, but words aren't his strong suit in the creativity department._

" _Do you have an idea?" I sit up and sit cross-legged across from him, our knees touching one another. I do have a name that has been floating in my head for a while. It doesn't have the humor of Emmett's suggestion or the subtle beauty in Jasper's suggestion, but it does retain the intricate naming aspect of the band's previous name._

" _I don't know if you'll like it."_

" _Nonsense. You think deeper than I do."_

" _True..." If I had any musical talent, I'd be the indirect fifth member of the band. The closest thing I've got are my deep, philosophical-like rants._

" _So what is it?"_

" _Midnight Sun."_

 _He raises an eyebrow. "How'd you come up with that?"_

" _Well... midnight is for the time when we first met. Sun is for sunflower, because you're like a sunflower. You're always happy. You love your friends and family. You're extremely loyal to your band. You're positive and optimistic. You're following your dreams no matter what gets in your way."_

" _Really." He grins. At least he doesn't sound like he hates it. "What else do sunflowers mean?"_

 _I flush. I purposefully left out the last meaning for a reason. "Sunflowers also mean adoration." I keep my gaze steady. "I don't know if you adore anyone, but I sure adore you a lot."_

 _A few seconds of silence passes. I didn't plan my confession to come out sooner than I was ready for, but the timing couldn't be more perfect. Adoration is one of the essential symbols of a sunflower. Had I not just tell him how I feel, I would've gone for an alternative way like send him a bouquet of sunflowers._

" _I adore you too. A lot." He reaches for one of my hands. "And I don't just adore you. I love you."_

"Honestly, I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? Bella, isn't knowing what your relationship is the reason why you're _in_ a relationship?"

I groan. When Mom starts to sound like Angela, it's futile to continue hiding things from her. "I really don't. We've been... busy. We're miles apart and sometimes I don't know if doing this long-distance shit is worth it anymore."

It's not the full truth, but it should be enough for Mom to stop badgering me.

"Angela is right. You _do_ need to go."

"Wha-"

"You can thank me later." Shock reverberates throughout my body as she presents me with a ticket for the Midnight Sun concert. How did she get them? I thought the tickets would be sold out by now.

"How...?"

"The how doesn't matter. Angela has the other ticket. You're going whether you want to or not, and I won't take no for an answer."

~:~

Maybe it won't be too bad if I go. What would be the chances of Edward finding me in the crowd? If the internet is a respresentation of how many people will be there, it's likely I can enjoy the concert without him recognizing me.

Thank goodness Angela will be there. I'll have my best friend as my confidant if Edward tries to approach me. A part of me hopes he will; it has been months since we last saw each other face-to-face. On the other hand, I wouldn't hesitate to give his face a good slap, which would do more harm than help for our relationship.

Laying in bed, I stare at the full-length Midnight Sun poster tacked on the wall on the other side of the room. Edward had sent it to me as a gift during the period of Midnight Sun's merch launch. He didn't want me to have to spend cash on their merch, so he makes the effort to mail any merch I want to me.

I haven't received any band merch from him for a long while. In fact, the last thing I got from him was a postcard buried somewhere in one of my shoeboxes in the closet. Unlike the merch, the postcard is a searing reminder of the uncertainty of where Edward and I stand. Keeping the merch doesn't highly imply the secret I'm hiding from the public. However, if the postcard landed in the wrong hands, the band members' careers could plummet overnight.

 _Sitting at the bleachers in a packed auditorium, I patiently await for the boys to come onstage. The boys are practically famous around the city nowadays. Ever since Edward finished writing his first song and the boys started posting their covers and original content on YouTube, the internet exposure boosted their fanbase. More places wanted to book them for open mic nights. Random people have been asking them for autographs. At this rate, they could make a name for themselves within the next few years._

 _Today is the spring pep rally at the boys school. I'm ditching my afternoon classes to see them perform. It's their first performance under their new band name and one of their last school performances before graduation. I've never ditched school before, and instead of being worried about being busted, it's exciting to be a little on the daring side._

 _The crowd is on their feet when it's the boys' turn. The four look like they've walked straught out of a magazine shoot. Edward's plain white t-shirt, ripped jeans, and scuffed Vans makes me antsy in my seat. If the entire band is a five-course meal, Edward is the scrumptious, I'm-full-but-I-can't-pass-up-dessert treat._

" _What's up everyone!" Edward says into the microphone. He waits for the screams to die down before continuing. "This is dedicated to all of you who need help finding a date for prom."_

 _Emmett steps forward. "Ya'll better get some after this."_

 _I shake my head in amusement. Leave it to them to get the crowd going with a joke._

 _I beam when the beginning notes of Your Love is a Song by Switchfoot plays. A few days ago, the boys were debating between three songs to sing. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett wanted to go for a romantic approach, while Jacob wanted to go for the angsty approach. They turned to me for the final vote, and despite my preference for angst songs, with prom season coming up, it was appropriate to go for the romantic approach._

" _Your love is a symphony all around me, running through me..." Edward's husky voice is silk to the ears. I'm glad they picked this song. Secret Valentine by We the Kings was a formidable choice too, but this song feels more relatable to their general audience, especially to the non-romantics._

 _All too soon, the performance is over and a handful of people are shouting for an encore. I'd be saying the same thing too if there isn't a few more performances following theirs. I wish the remaining performers luck, because who could top Midnight Sun's?_

 _After the pep rally, I stay behind in the auditorium so I could help them carry their instruments and equipment to Jacob's van. As the crowd thins out, an unfamiliar man approach the boys. With his well-dressed attire, I'd think the man was dressed for a wedding than a casual school function._

 _I can't hear what they're talking about from where I am, but there are smiles forming on Emmett and Jasper's faces. Jacob seems to look more bored, while Edward doesn't give too much away of his reaction._

 _A few minutes later, the man shakes hands with each of the boys and leaves. I waver for a bit to go to the boys. Whatever they talked about to the man, it must be something big._

" _You guys were awesome out there," I comment, helping Jasper with unplugging one of the wires._

" _We were on fire!" Emmett says in elation._

" _It's not one of our usual stuff, but it was cool," Jasper adds._

" _Don't forget about the Seniors Last Day assembly. We're gonna kill it with what we do best then," Jacob says. In other words, he wants to go back to their usual type of music. I can tell he's still salty about not getting his song pick._

" _So who was that you just talked to?" I ask._

" _James Laurent." Edward snakes his arm around my waist. "He wants to sign us on to Volturi Records."_

" _Really?_ The _James Laurent?"_

" _Yeah. He watches us on YouTube and wanted to see us live. Told us we have potential to be big."_

" _Wow! What did you tell him?"_

" _I told him we'll think about it and get back to him. We have his card to contact him."_

" _We shouldn't do it yet." Jacob twirls one of his drumsticks. "So he's launched the careers of a few big shots. We can't guarantee we'll be like them."_

" _Oh don't be such a sour sport," Emmett counters. "He can help us out. If we don't like him, we can walk out with our heads intact."_

" _That won't be easy," Jasper points out. "There are contracts and regulations and those other things too."_

" _I know, I know. But c'mon guys, this is our chance to play on bigger stages. Go on tour. Don't you want to do that?"_

" _We should still be cautious," Jacob answers._

 _Volturi Records is widely known around the state. It's the company notable for helping small-name bands transition into larger music labels like Rise Records. If they turn down this opportunity, they wouldn't know if and when someone else will present another offer. James saw something in them; to refuse his offer is refusing to push forward with their band._

" _You should do it," I say. "You're graduating in two months and you can always go to college later. If music is what you guys really love to do, then go for it. I won't stop you."_

" _But Bella-" Edward strokes my cheek with his thumb, "We're gonna be far away from you. And us... are you ready to be in a long-distance relationship with me?"_

" _Babe, I'm willing to do anything for you as long as I can see you be happy with achieving your dreams. It'll be hard, but what relationship doesn't have a few hurdles to jump over? As long as you love me as much as I love you, we can make this last."_

" _Gag," Jacob mutters. One of these days, I'm teaming up with Emmett to find Jacob a girlfriend. "Sappy lovebirds, if it'll make you happy, then we can call back James this weekend."_

My memories with Edward are precious. To discard his gifts is an insult to our love. As much as I loathe our situation, I can't give up on him. Not yet. Not when I don't have a resolution. Not when he's coming home.

So when my phone's ringtone of the band's latest hit song, Distant Fields, goes off, a small part of me hopes for the impossible. Without glancing at the number, I swipe the green answer button.

"Hello?"

"What's up, Beebee?"

It's not the person I hoped for, but it's a close second. "Hey Em, how's it going?"

"You don't sound good."

"Ding ding, you win. Would you like a prize?"

"Do you still make your bomb-ass brownies?"

"Duh."

"I'll take a tray please."

I laugh. Being cut off from the boys ever since Edward and I began to drift apart was a pain. Hearing Emmett's voice is a breath of fresh air.

"But seriously, how are you holding up?"

"I'm still alive. Still going to college. You?"

"Eh, you know. Usual life on the road. Recording in the day, massive crowds in the night. I miss it back here."

"I can tell. Are you excited for tomorrow night?"

"I'm totally pumped! We've been practicing nonstop, so I can't wait till the tour is over and we can relax once we get back to L.A."

"Sounds like you need sleep after the tour."

"Oh do I. I need a break from Starbucks." There's shuffling on the other end, then Emmett speaks again. "Listen, about Edward-"

"Yo Em! Who you talking to?"

"Fuck," he grumbles. "Sorry Bels, gotta go. Can't let them know I'm calling your or they'll give me shit. Tell Ang I said hi. I'll try to call you back this weekend."

"Wait! What about-" The call is disconnected before I can ask Emmett what he wanted to tell me about Edward. Are the four of them at their hotel room? Is that why Emmett had to hang up so soon?

Even calling me has to be a secret. My connection with the boys is producing layers of secrets. The longer I'm swallowing my pride, the more strain it's putting on my friendship with Emmett, Jasper, and Jacob. Our mutual friends don't deserve to be dragged into our problem.

We've all turned into liars, and no one but Edward has the power to end this.

~:~

The overhead lights briefly blind me when the band walks onto the stage. One by one, the members brushes their hands along the outstretched fingers of concert-goers on the front row. My own hands are jittery inside my coat pockets. I push back the urge to be standing in the front row. If it were that simple, I would've gotten a better view than the front row.

The euphoric screams mirror the acceleration of my heart. Next to me, I feel Angela squeeze my hand. She's here. She won't let anyone see me panic.

This is the closest that I've been to him for the past several months, yet we're still too far away for us to touch. His firm stance implies an ache only I could probably see. Though his eyes are sharp as if hunting prey, the smile plastered on his face isn't one of his happier smiles. It isn't genuine. It's as if he's concealing a turmoil he's battling on his own.

The band opens with the title track of their newest album, Fifty. I think I'm holding Angela's hand in a death grip. Whether or not my grip is hurting her, she doesn't let go of my hand. If only it's Edward's hand I'm holding instead of hers.

 _He pushes my back against the wall, his fingers roaming hungrily along my body. The party at Jacob's house to celebrate the seniors' last day of school was fun, but now I want alone time with Edward. We've barely had alone time for the last few weeks. Between graduation rehearsal and prepping for their move to L.A, it was hard for us to squeeze in some much needed us time._

 _We're turned on. Tonight, we're not holding anything back._

 _He slips his thumb underneath the thin strap of my dress. "I thought you said you don't wear dresses."_

" _I'll wear them for you," I breathe._

 _His green irises darken, lust dominating his face. "Bad Bella. Strip for me."_

 _I push on his chest, leading him to the bed. He sits down, licking his lips. I flush as I kick off my shoes and socks. I reach for the zipper at the back of my dress. When the zipper is undone, I let the dress pool at my feet. Keeping eye contact with him, I unhook my bra and drop it to the side. I peel off my underwear, twirling it a couple of times around my finger before it joins my discarded clothes._

" _Mmmm... come here."_

" _Aren't you a little overdressed?"_

 _He smirks. "Would you like to help me?"_

" _Why yes I do."_

 _Moisture builds between my thighs as his clothes are tossed into the heap. I rake my fingers along his toned chest, smiling at the low growl that escapes his mouth. He moans when my hands touches his stiff cock. Kneeling on the floor, my tongue teasingly licks the tip a few times before I take him fully into my mouth. His hands tangle into my hair, controlling the speed of my bobbing head._

" _Fuck... Bella, I want to come inside you."_

 _I hum, looking up at him with a hooded gaze. "Don't you want to come inside my mouth?"_

" _Next time. Right now, I need you like this." He maneuvers our bodies so my body lies on the bedsheets. Hovering over me, I close my eyes as he enters me. His gentle thrusts causes me to utter soft whimpers. My legs wrap around his hips, silently urging him to move faster. When he does, my whimpers turn into escalating moans. Our first time on prom night was sweet and memorable, but pushing our physical boundaries is also fantastic._

" _Are you close?"_

 _I wordlessly nod. His movements become more erratic. My breaths come out in short gasps. When he reaches down to rub my clit, I come undone. My body rattles in pleasure as I ride out waves of sexual bliss. He lazily smiles down at me while his thrusts slow down._

" _I love you," I whisper._

 _He kisses the corner of my mouth. "I have something for you."_

" _You do?"_

 _He rolls over and opens the top drawer. He grabs something from inside, then closes the drawer._

" _What is it?"_

 _He opens his hand. On top of his palm is a plain black button. It's the type of button I'd normally find on a polo shirt._

" _You once told me about this Japanese tradition about how boys graduating will give girls they love a button from their uniform that's closest to their heart."_

" _Close enough." I take the button from him. It isn't an exact replica of these kind of moments I watch in anime, but I'm sill amazed by how attentive he was to remember it._

" _Thank you. I love it."_

" _I'm glad."_

" _I love you, sunflower."_

" _I love you too, beautiful."_

" _ **At the place where we first met, I breathe you in like that first day in May. Will my fifty heartbeats reach you? Will you kiss me fifty times to mend my rending heart?"**_

His eyes are glued to the crowd. I wonder if he has seen me yet. Angela and I aren't too far away from the stage, but with the dozens of people surrounding us, it wouldn't be easy to find us.

" _ **When it's 2 AM and you're sound asleep, these stacked-up lies suffocate my dreams. Loneliness is my only friend on these endless nights. Do these shades of gray haunt you when I'm not here? Do you regret our dirtied past?"**_

Fifty is about me. Unless the other guys got their hearts broken during the tour, who else could be in heartbreak? Who else would write a song filled with so much longing? Certainly not Jacob who gives no fucks. Or Emmett who doesn't stick around with girls for a proper relationship. Or Jasper who doesn't wear his heart on a sleeve.

What does he mean by regretting our dirtied past? Does he regret falling in love with me? Is our relationship a burden to him?

" _ **In the Milky Way, a first-magnitude star is born. Are you blinded by the sheer intensity? Will you still look at me when the light is gone?"**_

He's wrong. He thinks I'm hurting because he left me behind for the band. He has no idea of the real pain I'm hiding from everyone. While he's visiting different states and being adored by thousands of people, all I'm doing is counting down the months until he comes home.

I'm holding him back from doing what he loves more than me.

I'm the weed to a blooming sunflower.

" _ **My wishes are consumed by the longing for your presence. I'll scream them out to you, hoping you'll run into my open arms. I'll erase my fifty mistakes if you'll forgive me for leaving you. Can you forget my fifty milliseconds of weakness?"**_

My vision blurs with the realization. He doesn't belong to me anymore. He belongs to his fans. Our compatibility disintegrated the moment he left for L.A. I've fallen off the tightrope I crossed to keep our love thriving. No matter how much he loves me, love isn't enough to keep him off the spotlight.

 _I struggle not to bawl when I say goodbye to Edward. Emmett, Jasper, and Jacob are on their way to the airport, so I woke up just before sunrise so I could see Edward off before he leaves his house._

 _I'm glad he's taking a giant step forward to achieve his dreams. This is what the last several months culminated to. He's getting to follow his passion alongside his friends. L.A. is a melting pot for music, and if it works out, sometime in the next two years or so, they could be the next big rock band._

" _Is it too late to convince you not to go?" Clad in silk pajamas and the gray bunny slippers he bought me for Christmas, he gazes down at me with his own bittersweet expression. I wrap my arms around his back, savoring the moment for as long as possible._

" _It won't be forever." His lips plant a kiss on my forehead. "I'll be back during the holidays."_

" _You're missing an entire semester."_

" _It'll go by fast."_

" _How fast?"_

" _As fast as a rocket traveling in light years."_

" _That's a fast rocket."_

 _I'll miss his tacky jokes. Video chats and phone calls won't fill the void of his daily kisses I-love-you's. If I could give up our more-than-healthy sex life so he wouldn't have to leave, I'd do it. But that would be inconsiderate of me. I can't be the girlfriend who forces her boyfriend to choose between her and his lifelong passion._

" _Go, before your plane leaves without you and Jake actually tries to replace you this time."_

" _No he won't. It's in the band contract." He embraces me tightly, bumping his nose to mine. When our lips meet, I savor the sensation of the kiss. I don't know how I'll make it until the holidays without his warm hugs and morning kisses. I'll be alone for my senior year. It was fate that we met at the park that night; I can't rely on fate again for me to make friends._

" _I'll call you when I get to L.A"_

 _I nod, reluctantly letting him go. I watch as he gets into his car. Looking back at me one last time, he gives me a short wave. As his car pulls away from the driveway, I think of how all this feels like a movie. Today marks a new beginning. Our lives are diverging. If we can make this last, I wish for the two of us to survive the distance._

 _I hope our happiness doesn't end here._

When the song ends, the band transitions into a mini speech for their next song.

"Thank you, thank you. This next song is a cover of one of my favorite songs. Don't know if you know it, but if you do, feel free to sing along."

Edward's favorite song is Always by Blink-182, but the notes that start to play are from a song I don't recognize.

" _ **We were young and wild and free. Fighting in the love we couldn't leave even on the way down, even on the way down."**_

A boulder plummets down to my stomach. First it was Fifty, now this? Edward must have convinced the boys to play this song for their set. Normally, they only play their own music for concerts. They rarely play cover songs outside of YouTube.

" _ **It's out of my hands, breaking your heart. Letting you go and it's my fault. Fooling ourselves, there's no easy way out. When is it over?"**_

When will this be over? What message are they trying to convey? Did Edward already let me go before I could? Was I a fool to hold on to him?

" _ **So many things that I should say if it even mattered anyway. The war has long been lost. Two sad souls that can't count the cost. But love is just an open flame. We burn ourselves just to feel the pain, no. When is over now?"**_

Our love is out of his control. His dreams crushed our innocent love. Our love was thrown into a fire that's still burning. If there are things he wants to say, he thinks his words are useless now. He raised the white flag. He succumbed to the pressure of being a rock star.

I shouldn't have come. I should have just let Angela record the concert for me. I should have sold my ticket to someone else – a ticket to see Midnight Sun would've sold for a shit ton of money online.

The worst is unraveling.

Our happiness is disappearing in front of my eyes.

~:~

A new sort of agony plagues my chest over the weekend. The concert may be over, but the boys aren't heading back to L.A. until Monday morning. I can't go back to my relatively peaceful lifestyle until they're gone. I'm half-expecting for Emmett to still call me back. Whatever he has to relay to me about Edward, my mind is already set. If Edward wants to talk to me, then we'll talk. However, the things I have to tell him are things he won't want to hear.

So when I walk to the kitchen and see him sitting in the kitchen with a hopeful expression, my body goes rigid in shock.

I take a few minutes to regain my composure. He can't see me beaten-down. I have to be strong. A weed can't be plucked away this quickly.

There are dark circles under his eyes. I can't tell if he drank after the concert last night. Sometimes alcohol are what gets him by when he unwinds with the guys.

"Hi."

"Hey."

I occupy the chair across from him. "You look like shit."

He lets out an awkward chuckle. "I feel like shit."

"Got a hangover?"

"Nah. I only had one bottle."

"Really?"

"You think I'm lying?"

I shrug. At this point, after his handful of lies to the press, what I think could be a fact might turn out to be a lie. "Are you?"

"No."

"Fine, I'll believe you."

He sighs. "What happened to us, Bella? You don't have to be closed off. I'm your boyfriend."

"Are you? Are you my boyfriend?"

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Does 'I'm sorry, I hope someday you'll understand' ring a bell?"

"Ummm..."

"The postcard?" Has he forgotten his handwritten note to me? "I kept it, stupid. That's the last thing I got from you before you went MIA."

 _It's my fault. I shouldn't have thought our hug wouldn't lead to people talking. Social media is interpreting our moment as PDA. They're dubbing me as the mysterious brunette who could possibly be Edward's new girlfriend. They can't see my face, so they can't find a definite trace back to me._

 _It's the holidays. The boys should be enjoying themselves. They shouldn't have any worries until after January 1_ _st_ _. It was supposed to be a simple shopping trip for last-minute Christmas presents. Our hug shouldn't have been taken out of context._

 _How did I still screw up? I pledged to keep our relationship away from the public eye until he was ready for the big reveal. If Victoria couldn't convince him to break ties with me, then we had to keep our communication down to a minimum. I didn't mind doing that, as long as I still have a boyfriend at the end of the day._

 _Edward had to upload a video on YouTube to clear up the mess. Because he's back home for the holidays, he didn't want to call Victoria to schedule a press conference. It would've been too much of a hassle and a waste of time for the band's PA. This wouldn't have happened if I was more careful. I should've waited until we got back home to behave like a girlfriend to Edward._

 _The YouTube home page is on my laptop screen. My feet are fidgeting underneath the dining table. I wish there's enough ingredients in the fridge to bake a casserole. Mom and I aren't going out for grocery-shopping until she gets home from work. There isn't enough food in the fridge for me to cook something as a distraction._

 _I have to watch it. It's ten minutes long, so he could've discussed something beyond the scandal. What if today is the day where he confirms our relationship to the entire world? Or what if he's pretending to date a Hollywood starlet? Whatever he says, I have to know what his response is._

IMPORTANT – PLEASE WATCH _. I click on the video and hold my breath as I wait for a 10 second ad for Audible to finish playing before the video actually starts._

 _Edward sits on a chair with a plain white curtain as a backdrop. He sits there for a few seconds in silence, them begins to speak._

" _Hey everyone. If you're watching this as soon as it was uploaded, then you'll know that recently, a photo of me and a girl was spread across the internet. We were in what you think was 'an intimate embrace.' A lot of you have been assuming she's my girlfriend. I'd like to address the rumors before this shitstorm gets any worse._

 _When I first joined the music industry with Jake, Em, and Jas, we agreed to separate our personal lives from our career. We love our friends and families and we didn't want them to be harrassed when they live miles from where we are. You, our fans, are basically a second family to us. Famlies shouldn't be harmed in any way possible._

 _With that said, that girl in the photo is a fan. She ran into us while we were shopping for Christmas presents for our friends and families. We got home just two days before Christmas and we hadn't started on finding gifts, much less wrapping them. She asked us for an autograph and a photo. If you've met us before at a show or even when we're not in the studio, we're very friendly toward you.._

 _Yeah, it's a boring story. You were probably expecting some big shenanigan. But that's really all there was to it. She was just a fan and if I looked like I was looking at her all lovey-dovey, then sorry for disappointing you._

 _That's not all I want to talk about. You might be wondering 'Yo, if that girl was a fan, then do you have a girlfriend or nah?' The answer to that is... I did. I had a girlfriend in high school. She was one of our classmates in high school. She supported us back when Midnight Sun was still called Breaking Dawn. I was head over heels in love with her. A bunch of our early songs was written with her in mind. She was a huge inspiration to our music._

 _Life happens. We went our separate ways. She... did some things behind my back. She fucked some dude after I moved to L.A. Said she missed me so much and couldn't control herself, but I wasn't buying her bullshit. I found out later she was hitting on the guys too whenever I'm not around. Especially Jake. She always did say she likes bad boys._

 _I thought she was the sweetest girl in the entire world. She makes the best brownies ever. Guess the joke was on me, huh? Man, chicks know how to screw us over. She's probably in college now and still fucking that dipshit. I think about her from time to time. But I don't need a girlfriend to make me feel complete. She can have her perfect house with rose red doors. I'm young. I don't need to settle down yet."_

 _I slam my laptop shut before I can finish the video. I know he's lying, so why do his words still sting? He turned into a different person to deliver his fake story. He behaved like a typical band member. It's a side of him I haven't seen before. Has he always been that confident? Had he changed that much?_

 _The truth will come out. Someday, he'll post a YouTube video to take back those lies. Or do a press conference. As much as I prefer to stay in the shadows, I wouldn't mind being brought into the spotlight from a grand gesture. I'm anxious for our relationship to be made official._

 _It's a couple of white lies. What's the worse that can happen?_

"What the fuck was up with that? You can't just send me a postcard and ignore me for almost a year. You can't just waltz into my house and expect me to understand why you made that choice behind my back."

"Did it look like I wanted to avoid you for the rest of the holidays? I did that to protect you. If I was seen with you in public, people would see through me."

I cross my arms. "We didn't have a problem with sneaking around before."

"It's different now. I can't go outside without being hounded by cameras if I don't wear sunglasses and a hoodie."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

I bite the inside of my mouth. I knew he was blind, but he can't be this dense. "Why did you stop talking to me after you released that video? When you got back to L.A, you cut off all communication with me. Even the guys stopped contacting me after a few weeks."

"I told them not to talk to you."

"Why?"

"Like what I said, it was to protect you. If I was gonna make my lie as believable as possible, then the media shouldn't be able to find any material to make a connection between you and I."

"Are you that paranoid of hackers?"

"I had to take as many precautions as possible."

"707 wouldn't be that horrible to spill your secrets."

"Who?"

He wouldn't know who 707 is. He missed out on my obsessive phase of Mysic Messenger. "Never mind. You could've told me you'd be doing that. I would've agreed to play along."

"I couldn't take any risks. The less you knew, the better."

"So you thought pretending I didn't exist was the best solution?" I say in a sarcastic tone. "You thought making Ang worried sick about me would help? You thought making me lose three friends would solve our problem?" I slap my palms on the table. "You thought I'd forgive you once you explain yourself? Edward, I'm the most understanding person you'll ever know, but this is something I can't take lightly."

He looks at me ashamedly. "I was prepared for you to lash out at me. Be angry at me. I deserve it. I was a dick for leaving you hanging and I'm so, so sorry. Our last concert was supposed to be in L.A, but I begged Victoria to make our last stop here. I had to come back so I could apologize."

I should be pissed off at him. My pent-up resentment should've exploded by now. We should be fighting, because an argument was inevitable. But yet, no matter how furious I am, I can't hate him.

"I'm not normal."

"Huh?"

"Why can't I yell at you to get out? Why can't we be like Em and Jake when I first met them? I'm too _nice_. I can't let out my rage. I'm so livid but I can't tell you to get out."

"Do you want me out? I can go-"

"You leave again and I _will_ kick your ass for real."

His mouth forms a small smile. "I've missed you."

I grimace. "I missed you too."

"Do you forgive me?"

I shake my head. A heaviness anchors me down into an abyss I'm unsure of saving myself from. "I don't know if I can't trust you anymore. I thought you were breaking up with me when you sent the postcard. Imagine if someone was interested in me. How could I tell them I was taken so they won't be suspicious?"

"I definitely didn't intend on a breakup," he says firmly.

"Well, now you tell me."

"I will _never_ do that again. This past year was torture for me. Writing music was the only way to cope with not calling you. I can't repeat this cycle anymore. This is bad for both of us."

"But... you're still leaving. You'll be busy with the band and I'll be busy with school. We won't have time for each other."

"Don't tell me you're giving up now. I came all this way to patch things up."

Underneath the table, my hands clench. "I think... we should end this."

"What?"

"Take a break. Break up. Whatever you want to call it. If this is the damage a little scandal can do, can we deal with people intending to separate us?"

"Babe-"

"You don't have to choose between me and the band." I blink back tears. "We aren't in the right place to be together. I love you so much, so let me take a step back. Maybe things will be better later and we can continue where we left off. But I won't blame you if you can't wait and you meet a girl you can integrate into your world better than me."

"You can't do this to me! You're my greatest happiness. My life is incomplete without you. I don't fucking care what Victoria or James or what everyone says. I promise I won't push you away again. I won't make the same mistake twice. I'll quit the band. I'll go to college and be a music teacher. I'll do anything. Just please don't break up with me."

"Don't you dare do that. This band is important to you as it is to me." I rise from my seat and walk over so I'm standing behind him. My arms encircle his shoulders and I press my face against the nape of his neck. "This is why I'm doing this now. I'm willingly letting you go. You've done enough to protect me, so it's my turn to protect you."

"Bella..."

"Sunflower, this is for the best. I hope you'll eventually learn to be happy without me."

~:~

 **Dear Edward,**

 **Do you still want me around? Friends aren't supposed to be hurting every time they think about each other. Friends shouldn't be grieving or bargaining with God because their circumstances are unfair. Friends don't go experience an ordeal and pretend like nothing happened.**

 **Who knows if you'll receive this letter. I bet Victoria will find it first and rip it to shreds before it reaches you. Miss Victoria, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for being a failure to Midnight Sun. I do have one question for you: have you ever fell in love? Have you ever felt the pain of losing someone you want to curse the universe for taking away from you? That's how it felt during those months when I was away from Edward. I felt like I died and resurrected every single day.**

 **Edward, I'm not a soulful songwriter like you. I don't know how to turn my words into music. I'll say it as many times as it takes until this pain is gone.**

 **I love you.**

 **You were my first love. I earnestly believe choosing to let you go will do us good. I trouble you tonight to write my honest feelings. It's up to you to continue to play your charade. No matter how small my existence is to you, I'll endure your lies that stab me to death.**

 **Don't let the doubts go to your head. Emmett told me the title of the last song you played from the concert. Ignore the rumors. People are opportunists. They seek ways to cause your downfall. But they're just haters. Your haters are less than those who sincerely love you.**

 **My rambling ends here. I should've done this on a postcard so I'd have to keep my message short and sweet.**

 **Short and sweet my ass.**

 **I wish you and the guys luck for your upcoming endeavors. Never lose your radiance, sunflower. I'm here for you whenever you need me.**

 **Yours,**

 **Bella**

~:~

How long does it take for this kind of wound of heal? They say time heals everything, but what if time _is_ everything? What if I'm wasting time by letting him go?

I made the right choice. The damage was done. There was no way we could repair the wounds he made. If he was honest with me when the scandal happened, we wouldn't be where we are now. I wouldn't be the ex-girlfriend of the lead singer for a rising rock band.

I don't know what the future will bring. If love is truly one of the world's strongest gravitational force, then love will bring us together in a better time.

I insert the pale pink envelope into the mailbox. I tilt my head up and stare at the sky.

I smile.

One day, happiness will reach me again.


End file.
